The Night Before...

the first football game. Football season has arrived and I can't hide from it. Tyler looked forward to football more than anything in his life and everyone knew it. His first comment after the last baseball game was "now we can play football!". His life revolved around the sport, starting when he was nine years old and flew home from Disney for a scrimmage game.





First Varsity practice together- Peyton 8th & Tyler 10th

 Tonight Peyton went with his cousins and a close friend to see Tyler. My son should have been going to the next room to see his big brother but instead had to go to the cemetery to visit his grave. Peyton is roaming the house, cleaning cleats and gathering his things for tomorrow. He will go play his brother's sport tomorrow , a sport that he only continued to play because of his brother, with his head held high and his big brother in his heart.



 fuzzy but only pic I have of them  2012

I have no words for the immense pain I feel tonight. I will be strong and sit in the stands tomorrow night and cheer for all of Tyler' brothers on the field. I know Tyler will have the best seat , cheering from above..


 

 

 

                                                                     Touchdown
                                             




                                           


                                                                     

 

 

Up..Down..Up..Down

That is how my emotions have been today. Well, nearly every day since Tyler's accident. I wake up and I have a few minutes before it hits me; he's gone. I get busy with the kids and all is good. At least most of the time; I do have teenagers! I spent the day keeping busy with housework and projects around the house. I have some upset moments but in general it was a "functional" day.

I pick up Rachel and I am thoroughly enjoying her chatter when I make a big mistake. I get the mail. Four months ago we loved getting the mail to see what had come for Tyler that day. He liked receiving mail from colleges but loved getting college football correspondence. He was so focused on playing college football and now we get daily reminders that there is no one to open all that mail. Fortunately I had Rae with me and we had several things to get done before we headed back to school. We needed to hurry because it is ....

Game Day!!!
I love watching Rebekah play softball and she hadn't played since last school season. She usually plays year round but took this past season off and this mama was ready to see her girl in action. Kaytlin , Tyler's girlfriend, is playing on the school team too. She has never played softball and did great!. It was a fun game and I couldn't be more proud of our girls. Both girls had an RBI(Bekah may have had two) and the team won 13-3. Also Rae got to be the bat girl and wear the #8 jersey because it was too small for the "big girls".

Kaytlin and Bekah

Kaytlin was photo bombed by Rebekah

Next on the agenda was Rachel's softball practice. All was well until a new parent asked the dreaded question. "How many siblings does Rachel have?" No matter how I answer it leads down a path that I didn't feel like going down. That is a whole other blog post...

Rachel and I get home and the rest of the family is still at the school because of the football social. I hurry her into the shower and I do the dishes. I barely get done and my baby girl has her own down moment. She crawls into my lap, wet from the shower, and sobs for her biggest brother. All I can do is hold her until she is cried out and minutes later she is playing with the puppy and giggling.

I am sitting at the kitchen table next to Peyton, listening to him sing along with his music while he does his homework. Definitely an "up" moment in my book.
I have survived another day without my firstborn. I know the emotional ups and downs are my new normal. I get to do it all over again tomorrow and I pray it is a "functional" day.

Why a blog?

That's the question I have been asking myself while I was setting this up. Figuring out how to create a blog took me several hours. Yep, several hours when it should have taken about twenty minutes. I changed colors ,fonts, etc until I settled on this. Nothing fancy, which suits me just fine. While I was researching blogs, I  realized that  they are supposed to have "themes". My theme?  My ramblings will have  to constitute as a theme. I have a hard time talking things out , this is my therapy. I may write about something my wonderful children did during the day. I may share a memory of my baby boy that I miss so painfully. I may moan about getting older and the unfortunate side effects. It might be a post about making difficult decisions. I could always write about organizing a drawer. That last one might really happen in the near future. I never knew before Tyler's accident how good it can make you feel to take clutter and organize it. When I get especially agitated, I tackle a project. A person would think my house would be perfect by now! Unfortunately sometimes I also just shut down and feel like nothing helps. I read somewhere that grieving can feel like a full-time job at times. I couldn't agree more. I have to be careful that it doesn't "consume" me.

I did feel like some of my Facebook entries were getting a little long and "involved". This way if someone wants to see my oftentimes scary personal thoughts ,they can come here.The people who read this will know what I really mean when I say "fine" when asked how I am. The people that only want what is on the surface can view  my Facebook.

That's enough for tonight. I might go back and try to tackle the "About Me" section. It is hard being "computer illiterate".