June 24,2013

"More ramblings...As I clean Tyler's room in preparation for moving Rebekah into it, I talk to him. I don't want him to think that I am "forgetting" him or removing his "essence". I know some people don't touch their "lost loved ones" things for years. I can hear Tyler in my head "mom, move her in. Use what space we have" he knew the moment he went to college his sister would have his room and never thought anything of coming home to visit and sleeping in with Peyton or on the couch. I will keep talking to my boy as I clean....this picture was taped to his wall"

I always wondered why he kept this picture on his wall.
He only hunted until Peyton started hunting with Dean.
Almost like he didn't want Dean going alone.

Peyton Turns Sixteen

I can't believe Peyton is sixteen years old. It seems like it was just yesterday that he was terrorizing the house, throwing things. Never mind...that was yesterday! All of my kids were so different going through the baby and toddler phases. Peyton seemed to either be sick and laying around or completely wild. He threw everything we handed him in his first three years. He threw books, cars, Legos, and of course balls. Rebekah even had a black eye on her first birthday because he had thrown his Sippy cup and she happened to be in the way.  I worried that he would never play normally but eventually he did. Sometimes. The other thing that comes to mind when I think of him as a little boy is the trouble he and Tyler would get into. Tyler put him in the dryer to see what would happen. Another time I caught him on top of a chair with books stacked to make it taller. He had his head in the freezer and Tyler was trying to shut the freezer door. Another time they shaved Peyton's eyebrow off when taking a shower. I promised I watched my boys but they were fast!

He has grown into a stubborn, sweet, empathetic, helpful, funny, smart young man. We are so proud of the person he has become and is still growing into.

(I had the hardest time putting pictures on the Blog today! They never did arrange correctly..)



About a week old

First kisses from big brother

Peyton almost 2 years old

They loved bath time!

                                             

                                                            Last day of eighth grade



                                                                                                            

                                                                      Ninth grade

                                                             Fifteenth birthday

June 14,2013

I wrote this months ago but it still happens. Probably always will. I will be feeling completely "normal" and all of a sudden the "loss" hits me. I will feel the ache, heart beating out of my chest, and want to scream. To say I "miss" my boy doesn't accurately describe it.

 

 

"There are harder days and harder times during the days and so forth. Nighttime is difficult because that is when he would come in from Kaytlin's or wherever he had been that day. Sometimes the sinking sadness hits me and I am not prepared or expecting it to be "triggered". The other night I went to a movie with friends. I kept checking my phone during the movie,couldn't figure out why I was so anxiously waiting on a call/text. I just couldn't stop myself from looking at my phone screen. Then it hit me. Tyler ALWAYS called/texted when I was in a movie. Didn't matter if I talked to him before it started. He never failed to interrupt. Used to drive me crazy. He was very impulsive and would need to tell me something immediately. He would be sorry to interrupt but couldn't stop himself. It never failed to drive me crazy...."

Tyler went out to eat with his Spanish class. He told them(even his teacher) that it was his birthday so that they would sing to him

Four Months

Before May 18th I never thought about not seeing one of my children for four months...or a life time. I miss him so much...if he were here, he would take one look at me and say "You look like you need a hug" and wrap me in his big arms...

a favorite-about 8 years old
 



last picture taken-three days before he left us

June 3,2013

I have decided to occasionally take posts from Facebook and put them here so that I can have them all together. Facebook is where the writing started...

 

Summer routines have started. The kids are at baseball camp and then Bekah has basketball and Peyton has football. I hope starting football isn't too hard on him without Tyler. I am spending the morning making phone calls and cleaning. One ...day at a time....the picture is from the first time the boys practiced together. Peyton was still in eighth grade. I have heard stories about how Tyler watched out for Peyton. He even threatened to "kick a boy's butt" if he tackled Peyton too hard. My heart aches this morning...better get busy

 

 

Spring practice-8th and 10th grades
taken by Coach Prisant with his cell phone
He always watched over him

My "Baby" Girl

It happened so fast. It happened without her mama noticing. I ache today with the guilt. Not about Tyler today. Today is about my "big baby girl", Rebekah.

It's hard being a teenage girl and hard being the mother of one . I was one; an awful one. Poor teenage girls have all the mood swings and emotions we had as teenagers but now it's so public! Social media makes it more difficult and every little impulsive move they make is on display for everyone to know.

Anyway, that isn't even why I am writing today! Rambling in full force today....

My girl has been growing and maturing without her mama's full attention since her brother's accident. This weekend it became quite evident. Friday Dean had a visitor at work tell him how Rebekah has been helping his daughter through a very difficult time. His daughter's best friend passed away recently from cancer. Rebekah has been in touch with her and helping her through this difficult time. Her parents are extremely grateful and we are very proud. I hate that Rebekah knows what this young girl is feeling.

Friday night at the football game I got teary. Not about Tyler not being there(that goes without being said)but I realized that Bekah was not behind me in the grass playing with all the other loud kids. She was down at the bottom of the stands with the kids in high school watching the game! That is when it hit me...my baby girl is a Freshman in high school. I think I have been so caught up in the emotions of starting school without Tyler and all the heart ache that goes with that...and the day to day chaos of getting the year started....I forgot to stop and realize that she is becoming a young woman. A young woman that is all of a sudden worried about clothes(no more school uniforms),hair, makeup, and spending every moment she can with her friends.

Saturday night she went to her first semi-formal party. She danced and had a great time. I know this not because she chatted away with her mommy. I had her brother spy...I mean watch out for her.

Then she calls me with huge news today. She has been voted onto the Homecoming court! The excitement in her voice was palpable and it warmed my heart. I am so happy for her.

I know this is choppy and more "rambly" than usual but the words in my head aren't easy to put on "paper" today and I am about to rush out the door to a pitching lesson.

Love my girl!



Sweet Victory

The Hawks had their first win tonight. They fought hard and I have never been so proud of our young team. It was good to see Peyton end the night with a smile! I was even happier when he cooperated for pictures(he hates having his picture taken). I really need to get a good camera...

Handsome Boy

                                                             

Peyton with Bekah , Rachel, and Kaytlin

 

 

                                        Peyton with his cousins, Emily and Tori

                                             Not great but Dean and I with Peyton
                                             

                                              Peyton and Coach Drew-Seven years!

                                                                 Sweet girls

                                                  goofy girls wearing blue for Tyler

                                             One year's difference! Lillie and Peyton

Star Student

Today Rae was "Star Student" at school. She had to fill out a poster with information about herself but the part she was excited about was what I had to do. The parent of the "Star" has to do a presentation in front of the class about her child. Rae kept giving me advice because I do not like getting up in front of people, even thirteen fourth graders. Her teacher said that she has had parents do anything from a power point to a parent holding their child's favorite stuffed animal and talking. I guess I came somewhere in the middle.

I put together a poster with pictures and scrapbooking supplies. I was happy to use some of my scrapbooking stuff; I haven't touched it in nine years. I filled goody bags with some of her favorite things to eat. I packed a bag with some of her items from her room and talked about them. The children were very sweet and attentive. At the end they asked a few questions about Rae and then were allowed to get up and look at her poster and the things from her room.

I have been dreading this for weeks. Agonized over what to do or say. I have to admit that it was easy and the look on my baby's face as I talked about her was priceless. Anyway, what parent doesn't love to brag about her child? She is a good girl and I don't tell her enough.

I can't believe I forgot to take a picture of my "Star Student" today!


the picture in the center of her poster. Age three and nine

The poster that she now has hanging in her room
 

Something To Look Forward To

Soon after Tyler's funeral, people started suggesting we take the kids on a trip. At first I couldn't even consider a vacation without Tyler. We always put vacations to the side because we needed the money elsewhere. That is on my list of regrets when it comes to things we didn't do with Tyler. We did start talking to the kids about getting away together when a friend offered us the use of his family's beach house. Everyone was correct; it was great to go somewhere with family.

We had already spoken with the kids about another vacation spot  and the seeds were planted. We asked the kids where we could go that we might enjoy without Tyler. The answer was instantaneous from all three. Walt Disney World. Dean and I already knew that this would undoubtedly be their response. Peyton ,Rebekah, Rachel and I have always called it our "Happy Place". We went five times before they changed schools. Dean tolerates it but Tyler hated it. He went on our first trip for a few days and our last trip for a few days and was not happy about it. It would be the perfect place to go because we could always pretend he was back home with his grandparents(we don't have to be realistic everyday). Should we spend that much money? Especially when I am trying to stay home with the children as long as possible? No, we should not. More important to me than money is the fact that I am not guaranteed tomorrow with my family. I don't have a huge amount of regrets about my short time with Tyler but rarely a day goes by that I don't think of the ones I do have. I do not plan to continue to make the same mistakes if I have a choice.

Therefore I am planning a Disney trip. We have decided to go during Thanksgiving. We will miss being with all of the family for that day but I believe it will be good for us to change things up a bit for our first holiday without Tyler. It was one of his favorites; anyone who knew Tyler knows that he loved a day that revolved around food. We do have family and friends joining us. Hopefully my mom will be able to join us. My sister, Heather, and her family are going. Also, my friend, Ginger, and her two boys. We will all share a house just outside the parks, which saves us a ton of money.

I am apprehensive about some aspects of the trip but am happy that the kids talk about it and are genuinely excited. Everyone needs something in life to look forward to.

Sleep

I have never been a good sleeper. Before May 18 I would stay awake until 1-2:00am and get up at 6:00am to go to work. After the accident, every time I would close my eyes,I saw images that upset me and kept me awake. I got a sleep aid prescription and it helped. Not perfect but it was better.

I haven't had any medication for sleeping in quite a while. My new sleeping pattern? I stay up until 4-5:00am. It's around that time that I pass out on the couch watching television. Dean has asked several times why I don't just get in bed and try to sleep. I lay there and the "images" go through my head like a movie reel I can't turn off. Most of the time it's what I remember from the day of the wreck (a whole other blog post).Not very relaxing at all.


Back to my newest sleeping pattern. I stay up all night and get up to get the kids ready for school  (love seeing them in the morning) and take them. I get back home and fall back asleep in the recliner. I sleep until 1:00 or 2:00pm.I feel extremely guilty and try to get things done before I pick Rae up from school. The rest of the day/night is spent running the kids around to activities. The result of this new habit? The house is a mess, laundry is piling up, errands aren't getting done, etc. I have to break this cycle but it seems to be so hard.

On a better note, Dean and I spent a little time on Sunday together alone. It was good and we need to make more of an effort to do it more often. The death of a child can put a very real strain on a marriage. We can't talk freely about a lot of things when we have the children around. Also by the time he and I are both home in the evening(rarely before 8:00pm or later) we are both emotionally and physically exhausted. He has a class out of town next month that he would like me to go with him to. Rebekah will be on a school trip and the other two would stay with family/friends. I know it would be good for us but I am not sure about leaving Rae for four days.  We are talking about taking a trip for my birthday/anniversary in the early spring. We haven't taken a trip by ourselves since Tyler was an infant.

I have not done a thing today around here. Time to run around before mom gets here with Rae...

I always like to end with a picture(or two..or three..) Some of my favorites of Dean and Bekah

                                                     

Hard but not Impossible

I have tried to write this entry numerous times over the long weekend. For once, I have been at a loss for words. Maybe the emotions I felt Friday night are just too powerful to be put on "paper".

I made it through the first football game fairly well. It was an away game but I don't know if that made it better. I guess I will see in two weeks at our first home game. The other team gave us a signed football and painted Tyler's number on the visitors sidelines. Someone from our team put Tyler's jersey next to our boys' benches. Many family members and friends came to support my family and the team. It meant a lot to have their support. Last year he led his team to a huge victory over this team, having many quarterback sacks. I had a hard time watching and not comparing.

  I did remove myself from the stands and sat by myself in the end zone when the noise became too much. It's amazing how I once thrived on noise(four kids at home and twelve toddlers at work) but now I like quiet.  It helped that Peyton played a lot more than expected. I could concentrate on cheering for my " little boy". They lost and it broke my heart to see the boys so sad afterwards.

I got upset later in the weekend when I found that many of the boys apologized to Dean after the game.It bothered me so much that I mentioned it to Peyton and gave him another "not trying to make up for Tyler being gone" talks. He asked me to talk to the team and I reluctantly agreed; not a big fan of speaking in front of a group. His coach forgot to call on me at the "social", where the team and parents get together to go over the games. Peyton has asked to read what I wanted to say( I had jotted down what I was going to say) to the guys this afternoon. Hopefully he will get back to practice in time to do this because it is obviously something that is bothering him. He is at the doctor getting his back checked out. Friday was a rough game and he has been in a lot of pain.

Here is what I wrote to the boys:
"It has come to my attention that quite a few of you apologized after Friday's game. Apologized because you felt you disappointed Tyler or us. I never want any of you to feel that way. Tyler is gone. It's not fair by any definition of the word. That does not mean that any of you is ever expected to replace him or live up to a standard that you think he represents. Should we remember him? Yes. Should we honor him in any way that we feel led to? Sure. We let him know that we are thinking of him, missing him, by using the #8,by having his jersey on the sidelines, and by talking about him. You can honor him by playing like he did. I'm not talking about blocks ,tackles, catches, or  his favorite, sacks. I am talking about playing with passion and heart. You can play for him by giving 100% effort and doing whatever it takes to help your teammates. The most important thing you can do to honor Tyler's name is loving each other and having each other's backs, on and off the playing field. He was excited about the upcoming football season. Not because he thought the team would be going to another state championship. He was looking forward to it because he enjoyed playing the game and loved the camaraderie between the guys on the team. It's okay to cry after a loss. Tyler cried after each one. Please, guys, no more tears because you believe your performance will disappoint". We are proud of each of you, on and off the field. I know Tyler is too."