Hard but not Impossible

I have tried to write this entry numerous times over the long weekend. For once, I have been at a loss for words. Maybe the emotions I felt Friday night are just too powerful to be put on "paper".

I made it through the first football game fairly well. It was an away game but I don't know if that made it better. I guess I will see in two weeks at our first home game. The other team gave us a signed football and painted Tyler's number on the visitors sidelines. Someone from our team put Tyler's jersey next to our boys' benches. Many family members and friends came to support my family and the team. It meant a lot to have their support. Last year he led his team to a huge victory over this team, having many quarterback sacks. I had a hard time watching and not comparing.

  I did remove myself from the stands and sat by myself in the end zone when the noise became too much. It's amazing how I once thrived on noise(four kids at home and twelve toddlers at work) but now I like quiet.  It helped that Peyton played a lot more than expected. I could concentrate on cheering for my " little boy". They lost and it broke my heart to see the boys so sad afterwards.

I got upset later in the weekend when I found that many of the boys apologized to Dean after the game.It bothered me so much that I mentioned it to Peyton and gave him another "not trying to make up for Tyler being gone" talks. He asked me to talk to the team and I reluctantly agreed; not a big fan of speaking in front of a group. His coach forgot to call on me at the "social", where the team and parents get together to go over the games. Peyton has asked to read what I wanted to say( I had jotted down what I was going to say) to the guys this afternoon. Hopefully he will get back to practice in time to do this because it is obviously something that is bothering him. He is at the doctor getting his back checked out. Friday was a rough game and he has been in a lot of pain.

Here is what I wrote to the boys:
"It has come to my attention that quite a few of you apologized after Friday's game. Apologized because you felt you disappointed Tyler or us. I never want any of you to feel that way. Tyler is gone. It's not fair by any definition of the word. That does not mean that any of you is ever expected to replace him or live up to a standard that you think he represents. Should we remember him? Yes. Should we honor him in any way that we feel led to? Sure. We let him know that we are thinking of him, missing him, by using the #8,by having his jersey on the sidelines, and by talking about him. You can honor him by playing like he did. I'm not talking about blocks ,tackles, catches, or  his favorite, sacks. I am talking about playing with passion and heart. You can play for him by giving 100% effort and doing whatever it takes to help your teammates. The most important thing you can do to honor Tyler's name is loving each other and having each other's backs, on and off the playing field. He was excited about the upcoming football season. Not because he thought the team would be going to another state championship. He was looking forward to it because he enjoyed playing the game and loved the camaraderie between the guys on the team. It's okay to cry after a loss. Tyler cried after each one. Please, guys, no more tears because you believe your performance will disappoint". We are proud of each of you, on and off the field. I know Tyler is too."